#262 - Part 2: Fueling A Marriage That Will Last

Proverbs 31:12 -  She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.

Ephesians 4:26-27 (MSG) -  Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.

Going on 13 years of marriage (January 6th!), Tyler and I got to talking the other day about our marriage. It was a good conversation. We discussed why we felt it had been so good up to this point, how to improve it going forward, and one specific building block came out of our conversation that I thought would be valuable to share.

As a newlywed couple in our early marriage, we decided that we would implement a monthly marriage evaluation. Each month, we spent time filling out an evaluation with questions that we had pre-determined. We had seen patterns good and bad modeled by our parents and other people, some that we wanted to follow, some that we wanted to avoid. Our marriage evaluation may have took 30-45 minutes for each of us to fill out separately before coming together and discussing each question. The questions covered every possible aspect that could bring turmoil into a marriage if not dealt with, such as: How is the meal preparation going? How are household chores being done? Is this effective? How is money being managed? How is our sex life? Have you felt romanced in the last month? How is fitness working within marriage? How are relationships/friendships outside of marriage? How has our relationship with the Lord been, our time alone with God? And the list goes on.

The KICKER

At the end of each marriage evaluation, we had TWO of the MOST IMPORTANT questions. I'll start with the last question.

• On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your marriage and why? Where could it improve? 

That was a great question! For one month, I may have scored our marriage as an 7 with the reason "why" as, "I feel like I wasn't romanced at all. Our schedules just got too busy, and there was little of the spark." The following month, I would notice Tyler working on keeping the spark in our marriage. Maybe bring me flowers, or scheduling a romantic date with a walk on the beach. It was RARE, if ever, for two months in a row that we felt the "weak" spot was in the same area.

The QUESTION that HELPED THE MOST

For me, and probably for most young married couples, I did not know how to communicate in the beginning. I definitely did not like confrontation. If my feelings got hurt, if not for this most important question, I would have pushed my hurt feelings under the carpet, only for hurt to build upon hurt. They may have been small hurts, but hurts nonetheless. Over time, those hurts would have most likely created scars over and around my heart. For some marriages, those small scars undealt with are what has led to the "D" word down the road. What was that question? 

• List 2 positive withholds and 1 negative withhold that happened in the last month. 

"What in the world is a withhold?" you may ask. First of all, a "withhold" comes with rules. The recipient could only respond with TWO WORDS. "Thank You." A positive withhold was something that Tyler did that month that made me feel good. Maybe I didn't have time to comment or say something to him at the moment it happened, but it was something that made me feel good. A negative withhold was the opposite. It was something that he did or said that month that hurt my feelings or made me upset. We may have been in a public environment, not allowing me to comment immediately on it, and then maybe it was forgotten..... until I had to pull together 3 things for "Withholds" on our marriage evaluation. Then we would sandwich the withholds when we told the other person: one positive, one negative and wrap up with the final positive withhold.

What this taught me? As a newlywed, this was CRUCIAL to me in learning how to communicate. I knew that ALL Tyler could say in response was, "Thank you." That was the rule. He couldn't get defensive and try to defend his position, but could only say, "Thank you." Whether my feelings were right or wrong, had no bearings on the fact that they were my feelings, and my feelings had been hurt. Same with Tyler. When he would give me his "Withholds," I could not defend myself, but could only thank him for telling me. 

It was WONDERFUL! It allowed a "green," "newlywed couple" to voice our feelings, even the hard ones. Some months it may have been about something sexual, that would have been embarrassing for one of us to bring up otherwise. Other months, it may have been something I said to undermine Tyler in front of people he respected. 

Ultimately, our first year of marriage we LEARNED how to communicate. We learned how to talk about topics, despite how difficult the subject may be. When most of the time, newly married couples may take years to learn how to communicate and talk about the tough issues, some never talk about them, we learned during year one. 

We no longer do a monthly marriage evaluation, although we did discuss re-implementing it a few times a year when we go on our "husband/wife" weekend recharge retreats. Why reimplement it after so many years? Communicating and keeping our marriage fresh is worth it! 

What about you? How do you keep your marriage fresh? How do you keep the communication lines open with a busy life, jobs, kids, and everything else that goes on?

#261 - Part 1: Fueling a Marriage That Will LAST!

Proverbs 31:12 - She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.

Proverbs 31:17 - She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] and makes her arms strong and firm. 

In a recent conversation, my husband was telling me about a minister he was listening to. This minister said, "I love God more than I love my wife. But....... she also loves God more than she loves me!"

It is the key ingredient to a long & successful marriage. How would you respond if I posed the question to you? "Do you love God more than you love your spouse? Your children?"

Why is it so important to love God first? When you love God first and foremost, you will love your spouse how God would want you to love them, even on those days when they may be unbecoming, unattractive, frustrating. When you love God first and foremost, you will find ways to show love to your spouse, to make them feel special, to meet their needs.

THIS IS CRUCIAL! Sure, we can only control our own love for the Lord... we cannot control our spouse, and their commitment and time they spend with the Lord. BUT we can CONTROL ourself! When we LOVE the Lord first, it WILL spill off into all other relationships in our life. His love will overflow into our relationship with our spouse, our co-workers, our children. When we love God first, HE will give us wisdom HOW TO love! Maybe it's loving in a way that we would not have thought of on our own. Maybe, unbeknownst to us, our spouse is really feeling like he/she needs a break. He/she would feel loved just by having a weekend getaway to recoup. Fishing. Chilling. Sleeping. In a mountain cabin. Alone or with you. SO... because we love the LORD first, the Holy Spirit leads us to send them on a little 1, 2, 3 day getaway to refresh (no kids allowed!). Maybe it's something as simple as, our spouse would feel loved by having some of their favorite fresh baked cookies when they get home from a long day at work. Maybe it's the new "technology" piece they were eye-balling at BestBuy, or a new shirt? Maybe it's just walking in the house to a wife with make-up on, her hair done & in clothes other than sweatpants & a T-shirt?

FUELING your marriage is IMPORTANT! You cannot get a return on investment if you do not invest!! That could mean a regular weekly, or monthly date night. A husband/wife retreat to getaway without kids... once or twice a year. It doesn't have to be too fancy, but investing in the babysitter, the lodging, the meals could REAP GREAT DIVIDENDS into a long, healthy and happy marriage!!!

Some days it's about the little things. The little things DO matter. Saving the curly chips for them, because those are their favorites. Pulling the covers up and tucking them in when it's time for bed, because they like their covers tight. Filling up their coffee cup for a refill so they don't have to get out of their comfy seat. Peeling their tomato that you put on their sandwich, because it shows you went the extra step - and it's just how grandma did for them! Loving them. Saying kind words. Not nagging. Serving their favorite foods. Showing love how THEY receive love the best! If you need help in this area, a great book to read and RE-read is, "The Five Love Languages." ----- And friend, let me remind you of the principle of sowing and reaping. When you SOW these good seeds into your spouse, you WILL REAP a harvest in return! Don't fret! If you feel like you are doing all the giving and sowing, continue sowing with a good attitude, GOD SEE'S! Your good deeds will not go unnoticed!

Finally, the Proverbs 31 woman girds herself with spiritual strength. FRIEND, YOU need to be renewed and refreshed! YOU need to have YOUR batteries recharged too. This may mean TAKING SOME THINGS OFF YOUR PLATE, OFF YOUR CALENDAR! Her physical fitness strength gives her the extra energy she needs to keep up, to keep her metabolism high and give her those endorphins (the happy chemical her body makes!)! Her mental strength keeps her sharp, because she invests time into reading books to help her grow mentally versus wasting countless hours watching TV, on Facebook or playing mindless games on her iPhone. She finds ways to STAY SHARP, stay mentally strong, to be an iron-sharpener to her husband.

It's OUR job to get OURSELF right. Let's begin today. What are some ways we can FUEL our marriage today??? I'd love to hear ONE way that YOU fuel your marriage? Feel free to share! :)

xoxo!
Have a blessed day!

#259 - THREE Power Tips of Encouragement

Romans 15:1, 2, 4, 5 - We who are strong [in our convictions and of robust faith] ... (2)Let each one of us make it a practice to please (make happy) his neighbor for his good and for his true welfare, to edify him [to strengthen him and build him up spiritually]....(4)the encouragement [drawn] from the Scriptures we might hold fast to and cherish hope. (5)...the God Who gives the power of patient endurance (steadfastness) and Who supplies encouragement

Proverbs 31:12 - She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.

Encouragement and strength come from God and from His Word. His Word was brought for this purpose, to strengthen, guide and direct the believer. To give us a roadmap when we need direction, comfort when we need help, peace when we need calmed in our spirit and answers when we choose to look. Let's look at the 3 power tips of encouragement.

1. GIVE IT - Encouragement, as we see in Romans 15:2, is for YOU and I, We who are strong in our convictions and of robust faith, "encouragement" is for us to GIVE. When? As often as possible! To who? Our neighbor, the person next to us, friends, believers, and even the non-believer. That we should be concerned about his/her TRUE WELFARE. It may just be our encouragement that gets them through the day. It could be as simple as complimenting the cashier at the grocery store for her friendly smile or pretty skin. She may just get home that night with that as the highlight of her day. Encouragement. Give it freely and give it often!
2. RECEIVE IT from the Word - Do you need encouragement? The WORD is a giver of encouragement. The WORD was put into place for you and I to be able to come and RECEIVE the much needed encouragement that we will need often as believers. The Word is designed to fill you with hope, to encourage and build you up. The Word is designed to be your sword, your strength, so that you do not have to go ONE DAY without hope and direction! Believers SHOULD BE the most hopeful, expectant, excited people alive. When we know Who is on the inside of us, what is to come and that God is on our side, we have a LOT to be excited about. Today, receive YOUR encouragement from making sure you spend some time in the Word. 
3. RECEIVE IT from God - According to Romans 15:5, GOD supplies us with encouragement. Maybe you are out and about, you don't have access to pulling out your Bible, maybe you don't have access to just sitting down to dive into the Word, you can still receive encouragement from God, the Holy Spirit Himself!! Begin to pray. If you are in your car, begin to thank God outloud. Thank Him for encouraging you. Thank Him for helping you in your situation (in advance). Thank Him for giving you the words to speak in your upcoming meeting. Thank Him for guiding you. Thank Him IN ADVANCE for what it is you need. Praise Him. Sing to Him. Allow your spirit to be encouraged by the very Holy Spirit that is with you 24/7! The Holy Spirit lives inside of you, as as part of the Trinity, part of God, the Holy Spirit is there to ENCOURAGE YOU! Take advantage of it and RECEIVE! 

We see that our Proverbs 31 friend practices the art of encouraging her husband. As long as their is life within her, she makes sure that she puts Romans 15:2 into action! He is the man that God had placed in her life to be her partner and completer. Her encouragement to him only helps him to lead their family better. Sister, encourage your husband today. Build him up. Think of three kind things to say to him that would encourage him. Maybe it's simply, "Hey honey, I just want to let you know that I appreciate you going to work to provide for our family. I don't see or know what you go through every day, but I know it can take a toll on you at times. Thank you so much for providing for our family, even when your job may throw some hard things at you. I want you to know I SEE and I appreciate you. I love you." 

Give and receive encouragement today. 

#28 - The 72 Hour Rule *(kid censored)*

Good morning all! How are you?? I am enjoying a watermelon smoothie this morning, finishing off cup of coffee #2, and the boy has gotten a bottle and is probably tapped it off and snoozin by now. I am so excited you have joined me today in reading this post: "The 72 Hour Rule." Should be quite an interesting post.... I will be interested in hearing your thoughts and feedback. :) Some eye-brows may be raised during this one! :) Did you read the post from Friday? "Proverbs 31: The 'How To'"- What were your thoughts on it?? - If you did.... and if you've been following, you will know that today we are going to touch on Proverbs 5 and a verse from Proverbs 31:10-31. What verses do you think we are going to choose?? Well... let's roll on into things. :) 

Proverbs 31:12 - She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her. 

Proverbs 5:19 (KJV) - Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

Whoa! Proverbs 5:19 has always been one of my husbands favorite verses. (LOL) I'm sure he'll be real thrilled that I let you know that! But, there it is, in black and white. The bible talks about boobs! Whoa! May be a shocker to some. The Bible talks about a lot of pretty interesting stuff. For those people into the "romance novels", the sex, love, adultery, lying, cheating, killing, prostitutes.... wow, the Bible has it all! Definitely a great book to read if you are interested in it all! Proverbs 5 has been one chapter that I always think about when I am thinking about who is the OPPOSITE of our Proverbs 31 friend. What would be a polar opposite? The loose woman. Proverbs 5:3-10 gives a good breakdown of this "loose woman." Then, when we continue reading, we come across the call to faithfulness in Proverbs 5:15-20. A call to fidelity. A call to faithfulness. A call to one man being with one woman and not straying from his marriage bed. A call to children from one wife or one husband. A call to love and delighting in the physical passions between a married couple. Staying away from the "outsiders" of the world. Staying away from the seductive smile's of the man or woman at the office with the luring words. From real and costly experience, from the actual sin and lust, the adultery that David committed with Bathsheba, he gives a call, a cry out to his son to be faithful. After committing adultery, having Bathsheba's husband killed, her giving birth to their son conceived through their adulterous relationship, David speaks from the hardship of death. The baby, 7 days old, dying because of their sin. David is speaking in chapter 5 from the experience of sin and the loss sin has brought.


The Proverbs 31 woman.... she comforts, encourages & does her husband only good as long as there is life within her. Sex. That's our topic. Studies have shown that most men need to experience a release about every 72 hours. Therefore, in our house, Tyler & I have a 72 hour rule (applied when needed!) The "72 hour rule" is also accompanied with a "No-No" rule. Part of my call as a wife is to comfort my husband, to do him only good. Sex is part of comforting him. It allows him to have a release in what is pent up inside of him. Fulfilling his sexual needs is part of "doing him only good." A lot of our friends operate on the same "72 hour rule"... but those friends of Tyler's who do not and find out about it immediately have their mouth hanging agape. They are freaking out! "MAN! I wish my wife would agree to that! OH MAN! That would be SOOO awesome!" They frequently open up to Tyler and tell him how IN-frequently they have sex with their wife, and some of the things they have to do to release what their body makes. Right or wrong, men do what they feel they have too if their needs are not being met. 


Getting a bit personal here.... whoa! We implemented the 72 hour rule very early on in our marriage. The infamous question, "Do I need the 72 hour rule for myself?" Like most women, absolutely not! I could go for quite awhile and be fine. Do I feel obligated to climax every time I am "assisting" my husband? No. I am fulfilling a need. I am bringing comfort to him. I am doing him good. I must say that the "No-No" policy does come in pretty handy. What does that mean? We have a "No-No" policy. If one of us really needs "help", if we ask for "help", the other person can not say "No." Believe it or not, that really does even line up with the Word:

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 - For the wife does not have [exclusive] authority and control over her own body, but the husband [has his rights]; likewise also the husband does not have [exclusive] authority and control over his body, but the wife [has her rights]. Do not refuse and deprive and defraud each other [of your due marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves unhindered to prayer. But afterwards resume marital relations, lest Satan tempt you [to sin] through your lack of restraint of sexual desire.

My body is not my own, it is my husbands. Once married, part of my marital obligation and responsibility is to fulfill his sexual needs. AND the road goes both ways, his marital responsibility is to fulfill my sexual needs.


THE LOOSE WOMAN IS OUT THERE! - IF I decide I don't want too or don't feel like it... there are repercussions. My husband and myself both having "physical touch" needs.... even in 1 Corinthians 7, it talks about SATAN coming to tempt you because our inability to restrain from sexual temptation. I KNOW that the LOOSE WOMAN IS OUT THERE! So, as a wife, if you/we chose NOT to meet our husbands sexual needs... NEEDS, their body, their physical make-up creates sperm, it has to come out sometime..... so IF us wives do not meet their needs, there are several options for them .... and let me point out, they are not good options. Options that I would prefer NOT to happen. For the FEW - options to abstain may work for awhile. Otherwise, they could find release through masturbation. They could find it through pornography. And then there is the LOOSE WOMAN. Because as we read in Proverbs 5, she is out there! So the cute little secretary at work, not a picture of our Proverbs 31 woman, begins telling him how nice he looks. She makes sure to bend over the copy machine right when she knows he's looking. She wears lower cut blouses than normal to draw attention to him. Meanwhile, his appetite is large! His hormones are heightened because of his lack of "action from his wife." Often, that is when affairs begin. Is it completely HIS fault. NO. It is often almost equally the wife's fault for refusing or depriving her husband from sex. When the husband who is fulfilled at home, the wife is applying the 72 hour rule.... he walks right past the cute secretary who is bending over the copy machine, he doesn't even notice it. He avoids her. His hormones are not heightened to a state of NEED, that he is able to avoid the LOOSE WOMAN who is trying to lure him in to an affair.


So for my husband, may MY breasts satisfy him always. May I comfort and do him good ALWAYS! 


And what is good about the "No-No" Policy? Well.... if you are anything like me.... I do not know when I am going to be "in the mood." It could be at a pretty inconvenient time... but if it has been 2 weeks, and it's not at an opportune time.... IF Tyler said "No"....once the mood was gone, it could be another week or two weeks.... or the LOOSE MAN could come into the picture. The same thing applies to us women. We need our needs met too. When our needs are met at the time that we need them met, masturbation, pornography, or the "hot man at the office" isn't as much of a temptation for women either. In today's world with pornography so easily accessible, it should not be cast aside as something that someone in your house would not consider. If there are children in the house, teenagers....or even if it is just the husband and wife. There are too many sites available to provide a negative source of relief. What used to be a bit harder to come by, now is readily available.


There are also a lot of great web-sites out there that provide accountability or restrictions. Covenant Eyes is a great website that will email weekly updates and rate the websites that have been visited. They will also notify you on any sites that have been blocked. It is a priceless feature to cut down or eliminate the temptation that is available through the internet. Some staggering stats? (http://www.safefamilies.org/sfStats.php) Check this out and then tell me if a "control" wouldn't be helpful:

• 9 out of 10 children ages 8-16 have viewed pornography on the internet (many cases accidental).
• There were 1.3 million pornographic websites in 2003 (It's 2010 now! Has that number doubled? Tripled? Quadrupled by now?)
• 70% of men from 18-34 have visited a pornography website within the last month.
• 34% of FEMALE readers of Today's Christian Woman admitted to intentially accessing an Internet porn site.
• 47% of families say that pornography is a problem in their home! That is almost 1 out of 2 families!!! (Focus on the Family)
• 51% of pastors say that cyber-porn COULD BE a possible temptation.

SO, WHOA! Yah! I know, they are pretty gross statistics, but they are nonetheless a reality. 

Wives, Husbands.... meet the needs of your spouse. Don't refuse your spouse when they ask for help. As strong of a person as they may be, you may be turning them away, in their time of weakness to be one of these statistics. 

__________________________________


As a PS - Husbands.... wives.... if you are going to apply the "No-No" Rule or the "72 hour Rule", do you think you are always going to be in the mood? Save yourself some trouble, NO you won't be. But... look at the benefits... by you serving your spouse in this area of marriage, you are helping save them from possible sin, from possible infidelity, from possible pain in your relationship. It is definitely a way you can serve your spouse! Blessing you with many happy years til "death do you part."