#262 - Part 2: Fueling A Marriage That Will Last

Proverbs 31:12 -  She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.

Ephesians 4:26-27 (MSG) -  Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.

Going on 13 years of marriage (January 6th!), Tyler and I got to talking the other day about our marriage. It was a good conversation. We discussed why we felt it had been so good up to this point, how to improve it going forward, and one specific building block came out of our conversation that I thought would be valuable to share.

As a newlywed couple in our early marriage, we decided that we would implement a monthly marriage evaluation. Each month, we spent time filling out an evaluation with questions that we had pre-determined. We had seen patterns good and bad modeled by our parents and other people, some that we wanted to follow, some that we wanted to avoid. Our marriage evaluation may have took 30-45 minutes for each of us to fill out separately before coming together and discussing each question. The questions covered every possible aspect that could bring turmoil into a marriage if not dealt with, such as: How is the meal preparation going? How are household chores being done? Is this effective? How is money being managed? How is our sex life? Have you felt romanced in the last month? How is fitness working within marriage? How are relationships/friendships outside of marriage? How has our relationship with the Lord been, our time alone with God? And the list goes on.

The KICKER

At the end of each marriage evaluation, we had TWO of the MOST IMPORTANT questions. I'll start with the last question.

• On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your marriage and why? Where could it improve? 

That was a great question! For one month, I may have scored our marriage as an 7 with the reason "why" as, "I feel like I wasn't romanced at all. Our schedules just got too busy, and there was little of the spark." The following month, I would notice Tyler working on keeping the spark in our marriage. Maybe bring me flowers, or scheduling a romantic date with a walk on the beach. It was RARE, if ever, for two months in a row that we felt the "weak" spot was in the same area.

The QUESTION that HELPED THE MOST

For me, and probably for most young married couples, I did not know how to communicate in the beginning. I definitely did not like confrontation. If my feelings got hurt, if not for this most important question, I would have pushed my hurt feelings under the carpet, only for hurt to build upon hurt. They may have been small hurts, but hurts nonetheless. Over time, those hurts would have most likely created scars over and around my heart. For some marriages, those small scars undealt with are what has led to the "D" word down the road. What was that question? 

• List 2 positive withholds and 1 negative withhold that happened in the last month. 

"What in the world is a withhold?" you may ask. First of all, a "withhold" comes with rules. The recipient could only respond with TWO WORDS. "Thank You." A positive withhold was something that Tyler did that month that made me feel good. Maybe I didn't have time to comment or say something to him at the moment it happened, but it was something that made me feel good. A negative withhold was the opposite. It was something that he did or said that month that hurt my feelings or made me upset. We may have been in a public environment, not allowing me to comment immediately on it, and then maybe it was forgotten..... until I had to pull together 3 things for "Withholds" on our marriage evaluation. Then we would sandwich the withholds when we told the other person: one positive, one negative and wrap up with the final positive withhold.

What this taught me? As a newlywed, this was CRUCIAL to me in learning how to communicate. I knew that ALL Tyler could say in response was, "Thank you." That was the rule. He couldn't get defensive and try to defend his position, but could only say, "Thank you." Whether my feelings were right or wrong, had no bearings on the fact that they were my feelings, and my feelings had been hurt. Same with Tyler. When he would give me his "Withholds," I could not defend myself, but could only thank him for telling me. 

It was WONDERFUL! It allowed a "green," "newlywed couple" to voice our feelings, even the hard ones. Some months it may have been about something sexual, that would have been embarrassing for one of us to bring up otherwise. Other months, it may have been something I said to undermine Tyler in front of people he respected. 

Ultimately, our first year of marriage we LEARNED how to communicate. We learned how to talk about topics, despite how difficult the subject may be. When most of the time, newly married couples may take years to learn how to communicate and talk about the tough issues, some never talk about them, we learned during year one. 

We no longer do a monthly marriage evaluation, although we did discuss re-implementing it a few times a year when we go on our "husband/wife" weekend recharge retreats. Why reimplement it after so many years? Communicating and keeping our marriage fresh is worth it! 

What about you? How do you keep your marriage fresh? How do you keep the communication lines open with a busy life, jobs, kids, and everything else that goes on?

#137 -The Road NOT to travel!

Good morning! Man... I'm just so thankful that as a Christian I have the right and ability to have a RELATIONSHIP with the Holy Spirit. That I have the ability to have a RELATIONSHIP with my Father. As I was just spending time this morning listening to His Voice... I just had an uneasiness inside me. An unsettled feeling in my heart... I wasn't sure what it was, but I didn't like it. As I spent time listening to find out what this uneasiness was, I found out it was anxiety. I was feeling anxious. Even as I write this, I am reminded of the verse that says, "Be anxious for nothing, but by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, submit your requests to God." (Phil 4:6) It was brought to my attention that the "subtlety" of the anxiousness that I was feeling was ALSO the enemy. SO... recently, the ENEMY was caught... the enemy of planting thoughts of FEAR & DOUBT in my mind... he was caught. So now, this morning, as I sought the Lord about the uneasiness I was feeling, He also let me know that the subtleness of that feeling was ALSO the enemy. The enemy was trying to cause me to feel anxious. Anxious about what? Pick something, anything. If I was thinking it, I was feeling anxious about it. SO... now that I have RECOGNIZED that as the enemy, I can take those thoughts CAPTIVE put them under the obedience of Christ Jesus. I was even directed to go on a long walk today with Tyler Jr and go to the park, BECAUSE I CAN, and walking slow is a great way to show the enemy that I WILL NOT BE ANXIOUS! He CAN NOT control me or cause me to live in fear, doubt, or anxiety. I am living in the obedience of Christ Jesus & Satan has NO PLACE in my life or my home! 


Well... let's get into the word this morning. It's pretty interesting... and quite an interesting story that you are going to read about. Man... I remember the depths of it so closely! Transparency, sometimes I feel like it could be a fault - how transparent that I can be, but I guess I just feel like if things I have experienced can help someone else, what is there to be transparent about? So, be prepared.... it's coming at you again. :)  

Proverbs 7:4 - Say to skillful and godly Wisdom, You are my sister, and regard understanding or insight as your intimate friend.

Proverbs 7:22-25 - Suddenly he [yields and] follows her reluctantly like an ox moving to the slaughter, like one in fetters going to the correction [to be given] to a fool or like a dog enticed by food to the muzzle
    ²³ Till a dart [of passion] pierces and inflames his vitals; then like a bird fluttering straight into the net [he hastens], not knowing that it will cost him his life.
    ²⁴ Listen to me now therefore, O you sons, and be attentive to the words of my mouth.
    ²⁵ Let not your heart incline toward her ways, do not stray into her paths.

Proverbs 31:11 - The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil. 

Let's start out with the happiness of this devotion. As I read Proverbs 7:4, it just made me smile. Anyone who has a sister or a really close best friend, will probably be able to relate with this. It says to SAY to Wisdom, you are MY sister and regard Understanding as your intimate friend. What I picture is this... 3 girls, arm in arm, just skipping. I picture my sister(s) on one side, and a best friend on the other side. Just skipping. Arm in arm. Like girls do. That is the type of relationship we are to desire to have, and work towards having with Wisdom. One that is tight like a sisterhood, or intimate like a best friend, like someone you would tell anything too. Tight, that when no one else could tell you something, when you wouldn't be able to receive correction from anyone else in life, your intimate friend could tell you and you would receive it without offense. The picture of 3 girls skipping is infused in my mind as how it is supposed to be. Helpful to me.....  Well... let's get into the rest of the devotion... 


As you read Proverbs 7, like I, you read about this loose woman. This woman who leads men astray. Her whole desire is to lure men down a path, her path, but a path they should not be going. As I read Proverbs 7:22-25, my heart was just aching. My heart was wanting to cry out for this man, who reluctantly, is led down her path. Is following her. He's a good man, but is persuaded. The temptation is great. The enticement of danger or what is "off-limits" is exciting. Sin can be fun! This man, he sees a beautiful, seductive woman who wants HIM. She is luring and enticing him, he knows it is wrong to follow, but finally, the temptation is so great, that he gives in. My heart aches for him. As you read in the several verses (through 27), you read that him veering off onto her path, following her, giving in to her will cost him his life. This short term pleasure of sin, this pleasure of following his flesh will cost him his very life! You see that the "dart of passion" pierces his vitals. He is not the only one she has hurt. It says in verse 26 that she has wounded many, and all those whom she has slain are a MIGHTY number. It also tells us the ULTIMATE destination of her path, which is to Hades, hell. The ultimate choice of following her path leads to death. 


Well... early on in our marriage, I remember when I was between jobs at one point and I took at waitressing job for a few months. I had waitressed a lot in college, was good at it, and knew it could be good money. Praise the Lord that our first year in marriage, Tyler and I did a marriage evaluation each month. We had made up an evaluation that covered every topic imaginable that COULD lead to marital strife. Each month we both, separately, filled out the evaluation and came back together to discuss it. This was such a great tool for us as a newly wed couple to learn how to communicate even on difficult subjects. At the end of our evaluation we rated our marriage on a scale of 1-10, and listed WHY we rated it as we did. It was EXTREMELY helpful in learning how to communicate! 


So... I'm waitressing. As I go about my business, the kitchen manager starts randomly just saying nice things to me. He wasn't out of line, but as he said nice things, or gave me compliments, I started to notice that I really liked it. I started looking forward to going to work to get compliments. I was happily married. After a few times of receiving these compliments and realizing that I felt like I was blushing, I noticed what was happening. I even started to take those thoughts captive. I started to take those thoughts, the "good feeling" of being complimented, I started to take those thoughts captive and put them under the obedience of Christ Jesus. I would say or think, I am happily married. I'm in a covenant relationship. Tyler is an awesome husband. I have an amazing man that I'm married too. Well... then... one night I had a dream about the kitchen manager. I had a dream that he kissed me and that I LIKED IT! - I know! Oh my goodness! Now that was when I was really thrown for a loop! Wow, did I feel horrible then! It was a dream. I remember taking the dream captive and casting down those thoughts. At this point, though I felt really bad about my feelings that I had been having, I had known that I hadn't done anything wrong. Up to that point, I knew I had done everything that I knew possible to do, to make sure as a Christian I was doing what I needed to do. But, seriously, when you have a dream about another man, he kisses you AND you LIKED IT! Whoa! That's pretty intense feelings and emotions. I remember deciding that I was going to tell Tyler about it. I didn't have anything to feel bad about, or guilty about, but I knew that he could help me and pray for me with the situation. What a tough subject to approach! I finally found a good time to tell Tyler about it. It was hard. I told him about my feelings. I told him about the compliments, nothing "out of line", but they made me feel good. I told him about the dream and how I liked it. 


Wow! Then I asked Tyler to pray for me. I obviously didn't want to have these thoughts or conflicting feelings about someone other than my husband. What an experience. Well... I believe behind the scenes, at least on Tyler's end, it heightened a lot of things! It made him aware that he did need to pray for me. It also made him aware that maybe I was feeling these things because I was lacking getting compliments from him. As a whole, things did start changing. I believe it was due to a lot of things. Me not fighting the battle myself, but having my husband fight the battle with me. Me continuing to take EVERY thought captive and put it under the obedience of Christ Jesus. Tyler began complimenting me more, showing me more attention. It didn't take long, soon, the kitchen manager, was just the kitchen manager. I didn't get butterflies around him. I didn't look forward to seeing him. Soon, things were back to how they were supposed to be. 


If we are tempted to go down the road of the flattering man or flattering woman like it talks about in Proverbs 7, we don't have to fight the battle ourselves. Single or married. We can ask a friend, ask our spouse, ask a parent... we can ask someone to fight the battle with us. We don't have to do it alone, and we don't have to travel down a road that leads to death. We CAN overcome! We can win!