Friday, September 17, 2010

#71 - Forgiving Ourselves

Good morning! :) I'm taking my DOR tomorrow if you wondered! :) Daddy & 'The Boy' are going to enjoy "MyGym" in the morning! :) We have some make-up classes for him to attend. Dad will have fun I'm sure. Last time that we went on a Saturday the place was packed! It was fun watching all the moms and dads with their little one. :) I'll tell ya... 'The Boy' is just really funny. It's fun to just sit here and turn up the baby monitor sometimes. He just is in his bed, "La la la la. La la la la. La la la la." His hands just go up in the air, and he moves them around. It's SOOOO funny! And if you could hear his voice, it is so cute! It's kind of a high pitched singing voice. He's just up there talking to himself. I think he's practicing a speech. One day, he'll be a great communicator and take after his Papa! :) 

Oh... and I'm sporting my "Montoya" jeans, as we call them. It's still a little bit warm for jeans... but Tyler and I love my 3 pairs of "Montoya" jeans! :) Ha! A cutie friend of mine gave them to me a year ago....I was about 12 weeks prego when she 'gifted' them to me..... but NOW THEY FIT! Yippee!! She's a little thing! They were too big for her! Hey, I'll be happy to sport her 6's! Locally, she participated in the "New Way, New You" program that I was a part of last year (and I now coach people through). It consists of proper eating (actually like the food pyramid! Wow!), organic supplementation, 4321 exercise program (10 minutes a day!). Yah... now she's like a 0 or 2! Go Mego! 125 is my next goal... 4 pounds to go! Yippee! By then, Trinity, or Trin Trin as we call her, should be on her way. (Our next kiddo.) OK... let me get focused here... I'm a bit off topic. 

Today's Reading Schedule: Proverbs 17, Psalms 17, 47, 77, 107, 137, Proverbs 31:10-31. 
Psalm 107: 20 - He sends forth His word and heals them and rescues them from the pit and destruction. 
Proverbs 17:9 - He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love, but he who repeats or harps on a matter separates even close friends. 
Psalm 77:13 - Your way, O God, is in the sanctuary [in holiness, away from sin and guilt]. Who is a great God like our God? 
Psalm 17:5 - My steps have held closely to Your paths [to the tracks of the One Who has gone on before]; my feet have not slipped.
Proverbs 31:17a - She girds herself with strength [spiritual & mental...] 
As many of you know, I am proactively writing a book right now. Two actually. Both to be completed by the end of this year. The one, Fairytales Do Come True, is the story of me, my life. The leading up to meeting Tyler, the meeting, engagement, and wedding. It's quite an amazing story. Especially one of grace and forgiveness. I just crested over 25,000 words, so that is exciting. :) 

As I have been writing, my mind has had to go back and re-live some of the events. Some of the ugly events before meeting Tyler... some of the hard memories, that were very painful at the time. This morning I was re-living the challenge of forgiveness, and how often, the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. We see a sin, a sin so great that though Jesus has done all He needs to do, He has gone to the cross for US, for that VERY SIN we committed, and yet we hold on to it. We hold on to its misery, allowing it to keep us in the pit of despair. We allow it's ugly grasp to keep our hearts heavy, our face downtrodden, and our countenance one of shame. We live in a place that is hard, and in a place of shame, unwilling or unable to forgive ourself. How could God want me back after I did something so horrible? How could He want me back? 

This morning as I read the chapters, and scriptures, it was so beautiful. The pictures, the story, the view. Pureness. Love. Forgiveness. Help. I read how He heals them and rescues them from the pit & destruction. How after forgiveness comes, we are able to enter into a sanctuary. The picture that comes to mind is one from the book, The Dream Giver, by Bruce Wilkinson. I picture Ordinary, there at the pool. Trees surrounding him, and a light shining through the middle. I picture Ordinary in the pool, so much light and fullness, the dirt is washed away. It truly is a sanctuary. White, filled with light, the very presence of Jesus is felt. The fullness and grace encompassing the whole area. Full. To the top. Grace. Holiness. Away from sin & guilt. The sin & guilt completely washed away. 

For me, now I am in a place where I truly do my best to hold closely to HIS path, so that my feet will not slip. That my eyes and gaze would stay forward, the I would continue to press in to HIS presence and like the Proverbs 31 woman, that I would gird myself with strength. That in HIS presence I would find strength. That HIS guidance would keep me FROM sin & guilt. That my focus would be strong enough that I'm not even drawn off the path. 

But... this morning, I remembered well the pain of sin. I remembered well the challenge of forgiveness. My shame during that time was so great, my hurt & pain was overwhelming. How could a God so good forgive me when I felt so bad? During that time, through the help of a friend who prayed for me, I was able to experience that sanctuary. I was able to enter in to a place where the guilt was washed away. Where the shame was turned to white. A place where I experienced true forgiveness. A place where I allowed AMY to forgive AMY. And then the grace of God swept into my heart and filled all the places that seemed so dark. My heart felt new. I experienced grace. I experienced love. 

Maybe you are carrying something today. Something that to you is BIG. Something that to you, seems TOO big for even God to forgive. Friend, let me tell you, that is EXACTLY why Jesus went to the cross. He went to the cross for THAT VERY SIN. If it were just you, just that sin, He would have done it just for you! You are already forgiven. Your sin has already been paid for. Today, will you allow YOU to forgive YOU? Allow yourself to enter into the sanctuary where your sin can be made white as snow. Allow yourself grace. 

Then, it's just a matter of staying on THE path. He will help your feet to not slip. Commit your feet to HIS path and allow yourself the grace of forgiveness. 

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